True freedom only comes when you decide you don’t want to suffer anymore. In this session, we take a deep-dive into how we can calm the chaos.
Video Transcript:
Dr. A: Well, welcome everybody, to the Conscious Forum. I’m Dr. Wayne Andersen, and I will be facilitating this today. We’ll give an opportunity for everybody to kind of pile in and get ready, this is going to be a really good Zoom today. I’m very excited about it. it’s one of those areas in our life that is so, so important and we have total control over it, and hopefully you’re having a great Tuesday. It’s beautiful here. I’m looking at the ocean and it’s relatively calm today. It’s amazing as we kind of think about our minds. Our minds are kind of like the ocean, sometimes everything is great and things are moving along, and it’s nice, and calm, and flat, and then there’s sometimes that things kind of get into our heads. Things are happening in our life, either external to us or internal, we start building wavelets, and sometimes it can get tumultuous. I’ve seen the ocean when the— and I’ve actually been in it, sailing across the ocean, where it’s been 20-30 foot waves, and so just like that, what we’re going to talk about today is, how do we calm the chaos?
And what I’m talking about is the chaos, I’m talking about the chaos inside of us. I’d like to start off today by really showing this slide because I think it— you know, our internal world right now, in the whole world, because of a lot of things that are happening outside, as well as just changes in the dynamics with the business world, and the social world, and all the chaos. We’re in a very reactive state and there’s a lot of fear, a lot of stress, a lot of anxiety, and in my books, I talk a lot about reactive versus being conscious and being able to create, and for most of us, just because we’re human and we interact in this world and we have defense mechanisms that were set up, you know, 10,000 years ago to protect us, we have a lot of stuff going on in there and a lot of— sometimes, like the lady or the guy [Dr. A is referring to the images on the slide], just how do I calm it?
How do I take control over my internal world? And I want to start off by saying, I’m not being naive. We all have things happen. Pain is not optional. There are going to be things in the ups and downs of life that kind of get and disturb us, and get in the way, but as a whole, what I really want to focus on today is how much control we really have at the conscious level. To actually manage, first become aware of, and then manage the things that are inside of us and actually move from being in chaos to really being in control. Being able to move from surviving to thriving.
So with that, let’s get started. The key to happiness has remained elusive. It seems that we want to be happy, but when we’re happy there’s brief periods of time that when we’re with our grandkids or we go to see a great movie and we escape, or we see an amazing sunset, but a lot of the time we’re kind of in our heads, right? And we’re looking for something outside of us to make us happy, and it’s really important to understand, most of us feel in some way, I’m not enough as I am. In other words, as my world sits today there are certain things that I need to have happen for me to be enough. For me to actually move into that happiness. That elusiveness that we feel is happiness. So, we seek to compensate by looking to the outside world for help, and one of the things we do, we basically look for satisfying the lack of one of these three core wants: security, approval, and control.
All three of those are necessary. Sorry. There’s a helicopter going down the beach line. I apologize for the noise. I’ve got the whole wall open so I can listen to the ocean and here we go, here’s an example of, do I get irritated when something external happens to me? How do I handle it? Well, just happens to be a helicopter. It’s actually pretty cool. I was thinking it’d be neat to be up in that helicopter going down the beach line and switching up something that could create an irritation, and that’s just a great example of how we can become the dominant force in our life. How we can take radical responsibility and how things, as they happen, we can basically adjust to those to create that emotional agility necessary so we’re not disturbed. If not, if we’re waiting for the world to just be a certain way and be perfect, then we’re going to have a tough time in life.
So, let’s talk about these three needs that we have. The first one’s security. Security really is this desire for survival. It comes from the ancient times of our need to be safe. To be secure. To feel that we have security in the key areas of our life, and if we don’t have that then we seek to have a bigger portfolio. To have— we can do everything from making investments that are low risk that we think they’re going to make us more money, or things like buying weapons. We are putting a more secure alarm. If we sense we lack security, we’re going to put a bigger alarm system and people in the same environment, I know in my life, so that’s something [unintelligible 00:05:24], I basically, yeah, I lock my door at night, but during the day it’s open. The security system I put on when I’m away. I take the normal security measures, but not focusing on it, because if you do you’re going to be very anxious.
Second one, approval. Approval is the need to belong. It actually— you know, 10,000 years ago, if we were approved by our tribe then we wouldn’t get killed, and so that created security. So we seek approval to belong. We seek approval from other people if we don’t feel that inside, and so basically, it’s an important part of our lives. We want to belong. We want to be part of the tribe. We want to be part of our family. When we’re growing up we want to be part of the societies and things that are important to us.
And then the third is control. If we can’t get approval, which creates security, then we attempt to use control to create security. So then we want to control things. We want to control how our kids behave. We want to control how people perceive us. We want to control how people act around us, and so we have this sense of need to control, and really, all those things are out there. If something outside of me can give me approval, you know, if I get a raise from my boss, or he features me, or takes me out to dinner, I get approval from him. As far as security, you know, that if I have the highest level of security system, I now can feel more secure inside, and then of course control is, as long as people do what I say then, basically, the world would be better. My idea is, I’m right and I need to be right, and if only.
If only my boss would give me a raise I would be secure. If only my child would listen to me they would do better in school, and so we kind of developed this kind of, “if only” situation and so what that does is that really puts us into a sea of “if only’s.” If I had more money. If I had better relationships. If I had more toys, more things, then I would be happy, and the reality is, just to depict those things. Those things that are extrinsic to us, whether it’s wealth, we can never have enough of that. Better relationships. Being attractive to people. We can never have enough of that, and the more things that we have, that we belong to, then I would be happy.
So we’re saying we’re at the effect of that. If we can get these things. If I can get the corner office. If I can move to a better neighborhood. If I had a nicer car, then I would be happy. What that means is wanting implies lacking, and that’s really important to understand because when we want something then it says that inside of us, we don’t have everything we need to have approval, to be secure, and be in control, and it’s the root of all suffering. I mean, it really is. It’s the root of all suffering because life’s going to happen to us. Things are— not everything’s going to turn out the way we want, but if we are literally at a point where in our lives we are waiting for something to happen in order to be happy, then we’re always going to be relatively unhappy and when we get some of these things, most of the external things we get, over time, they tarnish. So you get a new car and it satisfies you for a short period of time, but if you’re lacking approval or you’re lacking control and that car gets a dent in it, then we’re suffering once again.
So I think it’s really important to understand that true freedom only comes when you decide you don’t want to suffer anymore, and what in essence that means is letting go of the need to control or possess something. I think we spend so much time in our life trying to make things a certain way. “If only I can have it, then I will be happy,” and so it’s really important to understand that what if everything in this moment in your life is actually whole, perfect, and complete? And you may think, oh, you’re saying that. Your life may be that way, but my life isn’t. The reality is, if we go all the way back to someone like Viktor Frankl, in the concentration camp, he was able to — because he had strong purpose — he was able to take his mind and in that moment realized that life was sacred for him and his ability to survive in that state, even though as wicked as it was, allowed him to be in a state where at that moment, even though it truly wasn’t perfect in every sense of the way, he sensed that it was because he was whole. He was perfect and he was complete, and it allowed him to move forward, and truly, in that moment, survive.
[00:10:20] So this is really important because if we recognize that we really have— we do have the approval. We have people that love us. We have people that care about us, that like us, we all have that. We all have security within our realm that as you sit here in this present moment, everything in your life is secure from the standpoint that you are here on the planet, present, and you have what you need, and that you are complete. That you are in control of the things that really matter. You’re in control, and the part we spend so much time on is you’re in control on how you are conscious. If you’re conscious and fully aware of what’s going on around you, in this moment, everything— time basically stands still and everything is perfect. You make that decision that, you know what? I do have what I need. My life is— and the difference of this versus lacking is— and for us, as either as individual humans, or as we lead our family, or lead an organization, if we don’t think that this moment in our life is actually whole, perfect, and complete, if we’re lacking, then what we do is we need something outside of us, or someone outside of us, to make us complete and if we need that then we come from a fear base.
We don’t have what we need, but if we actually say, what right now in my life, if I really look at it, I have approval, I have— and not think, oh, I do have approval, but actually, really believe that I have approval, I have control, and I have security over those things that really matter, then you come from a space of creativity and it’s a very different dynamic. When we come from want and the lack of, we are much more likely to be in a fear-based state, and be in an unconscious state. Where we’re being competitive, we’re going after that, we’re not being fully collaborative or co-creating with people and we’re more likely to look to get something from them to make us whole. So that’s really important, and as you let go and find the truth of who you really are, you’re going to effortlessly be more happy.
When you start realizing that in this moment, I have everything that I need, in terms of approval— so approval, security, and control are things that our life are about, but actually, the reality is that we have those and understanding that changes the dynamic and puts you in a much better space because now you’re not in that reactive state. We always come back to, are you in that limic, reactive state or are you using this beautiful abstract mind up here? This prefrontal cortex that allows us to create, allows us to pay attention, allows us to really understand in our relationship, which creates great organizational, great relational health and puts us in position to truly be happy in the moment, because in the moment we, in essence, have the approval of the control and the security we really need.
As you let go and kind of stop trying to find something outside of you to make you happy and usually that’s a result of you feeling you’re lacking in one of those three key areas. It’s really important for you to spend the time and say, in this moment, as I’m stressed out, what is it that I lack? Do I lack control? Do I lack approval, or do I sense that I lack security? And if you spend a moment and actually realize, in this moment those things I really don’t lack. I really have those things inside of me. Then you’ll start to— your mind will quiet and simply allow the mind to do its own thing and not take it personally.
When we are lacking something we are ego based— and I spent a lot of time talking about it. Our personal mind has created experiences, and we’ve spent our whole lives creating conditions about conceptually how the world should be, how it should act, and the reality is the exact opposite can be true. The need to be right puts us in position where we are in conflict and we suffer. Now I’m, again, going back, things have happened in my life that are painful and that’s not optional. That’s just part of the trajectory that is life. There’s going to be good things, bad things. That helicopter coming by wasn’t something I planned, but you know what? Rather than getting upset about it, I’m actually using it as a teachable moment to kind of use it as an example of how, “Oh, gosh. It was a little loud,” but you know what? You guys can deal with it. I can deal with it, and it’s not affecting me inside because if I say, “Oh, no. I didn’t do perfect on this Zoom today because I allowed that to happen. I should have closed the door.” Well, it’s too late for any of that. Right? It happened. It’s okay and basically I’m not going to hang on to it, and so I’m not lacking anything. If anything, it was kind of cool watching it go by.
So you’ll find the mind becomes friendly and there is enough for everyone. This is the difference between abundance mentality and scarcity mentality. It is the difference right now of why the world is in chaos because people think, well we don’t have this, and we need that, and it creates a fear-based state and in a fear-based state we have a high level— I showed the second slide where the tearing, and the stress, and the lady trying to do this to shut it down or the guy like this, like, “Oh my goodness.” That happens because we decide that we’re allowing ourselves to suffer and we can fully eliminate that. Can we eliminate all the issues that are going on? Of course not. We can’t do that, but we can deal with them in a way that allows us to determine the outcome. How we conduct ourselves, and the ups and downs of life, and once we do that, and we actually sense that, everything changes, and it can happen just like that. When you make that decision.
So, once you let go of the wanting, life starts flowing, and I like to say I’m going to end today, honor the flow of life. Respect and feel that we have very little control. The earth is 4.5 billion years old. We are this little spec of a spec. There’s 8 billion people on the planet and our role, our ego would say we’re the most important thing on the planet, the reality is, we’re not, but what we are is someone that’s been given the the the great gift of life and whether things are happening that are great or not so great at the time, how I respond to it allows me to handle it in a way where I now— what I always end every talk with: internal stability. So, I’m not allowing these things to build up inside like a pressure cooker that blows and creates such poor physical health. As I’ve mentioned many times for the last decade, that I’ve recognized, that emotional mismanagement is the leading cause of death, and as a physician that helps people create health, we want to take control of that. We want to build a psychological flexibility so that whatever happens we can handle it, and what that does is puts us in position for external equilibrium.
No matter what happens. It’ll help build good relationships with our families, with our kids, with our community, with our friends, and puts us in a great position for us to literally live in a state where we can thrive in our lives. So it’s up to us to make the decision that that chaos that’s happening out in the world is basically precipitated by our feeling that we lack something, and the reality is we lack nothing. We have the approval, we have the security, and we have— actually, I’ll make a statement just on this because I have a friend that’s family, living in Israel, and in Israel right now obviously, with the stuff going on in the world and not to turn this into a debate, but they are doing okay because they’ve learned to live with the threat of war. It’s just one of the things that their environment has. They wish they could wiggle their nose and make it better but where they’re located creates chaos, but inside, they’ve actually learned to deal with that. So they have the emotional flexibility that they go on with their lives daily and are not sitting in a state of fear constantly.
So that’s an example of how we personally can take control of our internal world. We don’t have control over the external world, but inside, we can build that emotional agility, that stamina, that emotional literacy over time that allows us, and so I’ll end with this, if you ask yourself— when I’m starting to get stressed out, if you ask yourself, okay, at this moment, what is it that I sense I lack? Right? What do I sense I lack? And identify it, and then can I just in this moment, sense that I’m lacking. I feel like I’m lacking something, but the reality is actually, I’m okay. I’m actually okay, and by doing that, and working with that, we can change our world. So, hopefully that was helpful, and now we’ll open it up for questions. Let me close this down. Take this off of sharing. Okay.
Rachel: All right. First up we have Jenny. Jenny, can you come on camera and unmute yourself?
Jenny: Hello.
Dr. A: Hi, Jenny.
Jenny: Hi. Can you see me okay?
Dr. A: Yeah. It looks like you’re a commander of the world there.
Jenny: Of my world.
Dr. A: That’s exactly right. That’s the only thing you have control of is your internal world. You hit it right on the head.
Jenny: So, Dr. A, what an honor to actually speak with you. I’m a class of 2020 in this great awakening and you are directly involved with my journey and my transformation, my life transformation. I’ve lost 250 pounds in the last two and a half years and I still have like another hundred to go, so it’s still, I’m still journeying.
Dr. A: You know, first of all, congratulations. I want to— the language is there— I’m sorry to interrupt you, but I really, do you mind if I do this? Because this is [crosstalk 00:20:27]
Jenny: No, no, please.
Dr. A: So, the way we talk to ourselves is really important and so remember this— the limbic area in our brain, the emotional area of our brain you have no language, but the prefrontal cortex does. So when you tell me the gain that you had, by losing over that much weight and I have 100 more to go, those aren’t contiguous. You’ve made a dramatic change already. Your focus is, the desired outcome is to reach a healthy weight as part of my journey to optimal health and wellbeing which is great, but start talking to yourself differently. “I am extremely.” “I’m in control.” “I approve and I have the security because I’ve now dramatically changed my health, and my life. I’ve worked so that all those things are tremendously better and I continue on that journey.” Not, “Oh, but I have to.” “I still need to.” It’s not, I still need to. It’s not that need to, you basically desire to, because it’s something that allows you to now become more complete. Does that make sense?
Jenny: Absolutely. Thank you for that. Yes. Yes, absolutely, and that actually does touch upon my question. So, I’ve never been in this space as an adult, right? I’ve lived unconsciously for 25 plus years.
Dr. A: So has basically 95% of the population. I just want to make sure it’s not— this is not a wrong or right thing. It’s just that we are designed to go on automatic. We sleepwalk through life and that worked 10,000 years ago because you had everything you needed back then, right? Because those things, those defense mechanisms, that negative bias kept you safe, but in this complex, crazy world we’re in now, that stuff isn’t serving us so we need to take control. So that’s— first of all, you’ve identified that for 25 years you were in a different state and now your awakening is tremendous. So if you noticed everything I’m saying to you is that I want you to start thinking is, “I’ve made tremendous progress. I am growing tremendously and I’m okay. I’m okay right now. I’m okay.” Yeah.
Jenny: I’m perfect, whole and complete.
Dr. A: Beautiful. Awesome. Keep going. I’m sorry. I just want to make sure that when your language, as you talk to yourself, because basically— by the way, who do we need approval, security, and control of more than anything? Ourselves.
Jenny: Yes.
Dr. A: Okay. Keep going.
Jenny: Yes and so this really speaks to where I’m going with this, and so my question is, what insights can you provide for me to keep reprogramming the operating system that I’ve had in place? You know, I do visualize myself as a healthy weighted person, right? To bring it into my reality, but old programming functions do creep up, you know, even with all that I’ve embodied the last two and a half years. So what insights, further insights, can you provide for me to just keep moving forward in this direction that I want in an awakened, conscious space, to override the old programming that I have operated under for so long?
Dr. A: That’s great. That’s a great question, and you’re on your way because if we talked to you 10 years ago, or even maybe five years ago, when you wouldn’t even know— you wouldn’t be able— you would not comprehend what you just said to me. Okay?
Jenny: No!
Dr. A: So the first part is just becoming more conscious. We have two parts of our brain in terms of our thought process. One is the conscious part and then the other is the unconscious part. Your personal mind, your years on the planet, your experiences have conceptualized so that there’s a way things should be, okay? And as a result of that, all that is at a subconscious level, and it’s sitting there. You may not even know why you’re acting the way— the first part is always your body will tell you, because the way your body’s set up. Those mechanisms inside there protected you at one time and so when something’s happening that’s triggering those, your body will respond emotionally and with energy.
[00:25:10] So, you will start sensing the ”icky sauce.” You’ll sense it in your jaw, your throat, your chest, your gut, maybe a pounding. Your breathing will change. Something will be an indication that something from your past has been triggered, because remember, things that we didn’t like, especially when we were really young, we basically repressed and suppressed them. We put them out of the way because we didn’t want to deal with them and we didn’t know how to deal. When you’re five years old, this part of your brain isn’t developed, and if your parents say you’re stupid, you take that seriously, and then you suppress that. So we have all this garbage inside of us that at one time probably served us, but now it doesn’t. So when you— and it’s not that it’s wrong or right, it’s just that there’s stuff in there that no longer— to your point, in your current world, in the world we live in, and the world’s changing so rapidly, those operating systems aren’t working for us anymore and so basically you have a pattern. You have an identity. Your identity is based on what your ego thinks is healthy versus non-healthy, and if your ego says, “you eat wrong things because it helps you feel good.” Now you decide that, “I’m a healthy person. I’ve lost a whole bunch of weight. I’m continuing on that and my mindset of what my identity of myself has changed. I am now someone who doesn’t eat garbage because I’m a healthy person,” and it’s not a mind thing, it’s actually who you are now.
So you don’t do it, and it’s not that— here’s really important thing— it’s not that, I’m being strong. I’m being disciplined. I’m avoiding eating that, because if that’s your mindset then you’re going to eat it eventually because there’ll be a time when you’re not conscious and you’ll be sitting there at a table and the person next to you has a hot fudge sundae, or creme brulee, or whatever, and when they’re not looking, boom. Your subconscious mind will say, “Damn, I’m taking that,” and eats it, right? But if you’ve now decided that I am a healthy person, and I make healthy choices, and my I’ve lost all this weight, I’ve now gained this much health, and I am now moving the place where, as a healthy person, I don’t eat that because that’s not something I do, then it’s not hard for you. It becomes easy because that’s who you are. Does that make sense?
Jenny: That is so perfect. That’s exactly what I needed to hear. It’s so perfect.
Dr. A: Yeah.
Jenny: Thank you.
Dr. A: It’s not fooling yourself. It’s actually who you’re becoming.
Jenny: Yep!
Dr. A: The same thing in everything in our life. Our old program only sits there and works when we’re unconscious. When we’re conscious, and you’re aware, so self-awareness, feeling when you’re starting to feel that trigger and then sensing it. So, going with what our lesson was today, talking about what we want or what we think we lack, right? When there’s something you think you lack, like, I lack right now, I lack— doesn’t matter what it is, but let’s just say my significant other, somebody didn’t recognize when I cleaned the house or didn’t “something,” and so if we think, well, what is the actual core need there? Well the core need is approval. We need approval. So then we smile. Do I really need approval? My significant other loves me. I know that they’re just going through life doing the best they can do. I don’t need them to be approved— by the way, when we realize that we are enough, that we have approval, we have security, and we have control of the things that matter, suddenly the desire, because desire, needing something or wanting something that we don’t have, implies lack, and if we have lack of, then we suffer, and so if we think we need something then we’re going to suffer, but actually, you don’t need anything.
You have what you need. You understand now. You’re a conscious individual. You’re working by repetitive behaviors to make choices that are now healthy for you and all those things are additive, and adding value. You’ve gone a long way on that journey already and you’re gaining tremendously, and the feedback loop is building your self-confidence so every day you become stronger— and if you have a setbac, because there’s a point when you’re unconscious, then say, “Okay. Why was I unconscious? Was it because I was driving in a car? Was I watching something on TV and somebody next to me had something and I ended up eating something?” It’s usually because you’re actually subrograting, where you’re letting your subconscious self, which is— your ego is not going to go away without a fight. Your personal mind wants to be in control. Hey, it managed you, like you said, for your whole life up until this time where you became conscious. Make sense?
Jenny: Yes.
Dr. A: So, you’ve got to [crosstalk 00:30:14]
Jenny: Sorry, but your ripple effect is so immense in my life and all the people’s lives that you have changed. Think about all the people we affect. Your ripple effect is so immense. It’s an honor to be and share this space with you. So thank you.
Dr. A: Well thank you, and let me say something, I’m just a fellow human like you are, trying to find my way, and every time I do one of these, my preparation for it, I’m learning each time and I’ve learned from you. Hopefully we’re learning. That’s why this is a forum, we learn from each other and as a result of that, as fellow humans— it’s not this up one, down one, it’s partners in a journey in a world that continues to change rapidly and if we use this human transformational technology to help move us forward. The world has got some serious issues, and this is how we change one person at a time, deciding to take control, to be awakened to the point that you are the dominant force in your own life and you can be part of building relational health with others. So thank you so much for that. I really appreciate you.
Jenny: Thank you. Thank you so much. I’ll be seeing you in person at the Momentum Tour in Tampa.
Dr. A: Awesome!
Jenny: I’m looking forward to that.
Dr. A: Can’t wait to see you. All right.
Jenny: Thank you.
Dr. A: See you, Jenny.
Jenny: Bye.
Rachel: All right. Next up we have, Stacy.
Dr. A: Hey, Stacy.
Stacy: Hey, Doc, and fellow birthday buddy! How are you?
Dr. A: Oh, I’m great.
Stacy: Awesome. I’m great too. You can see on my screen it says, “Stacy 2.0.” When I got here four years ago I became, because I listened and I took everything in. Lost over a 100 pounds, which for me I’ve kept that off for the three years, and that astounds me, but also, that 2.0 is really, I’m being a little waffly in my question it says that three months ago we moved my mother-in-law in and she’s 80. It’s everything that comes along with that, and I was struggling. I was really struggling, and what I found is when I struggle with this particular thing, I go back to losing my— I know I have all these amazing tools in my tool belt, but I just go straight to feeling sorry for myself, being depressed, and being annoyed. This is a woman I adore, Dr. A. She has been there for me like no other woman. This is a whole different side of it and I’m struggling and I’m struggling because I feel like I’m— I feel like because of the way I feel about it, I feel like, I feel like if I didn’t do this, that it would impact my marriage. It was me trying to overdo, to make a situation better, but my coach pointed out to me this week that I just walked in there and “heroed” the hell out of it. I did. I put on my cape, I flew in and I rescued the damn day.
[00:33:31] Now, after doing all of that, why am I still losing my mind? When I chose it, and I committed to it, and I don’t, I just feel like it’s not enough. I feel like I’m not enough and I know that’s not the truth, and I want, I just want to be better. I want to be better for me. I want to be better for her and I want to treat the situation better. I don’t want to make her feel like she’s unwanted because that’s not the case. My husband had just retired. We had planned to travel, do some stuff, and then we seriously had to pivot, and listen, I’m putting my heart on the line here with you this morning. I don’t know if I did it just so that everyone would be thankful and grateful or if I did it because it was the right thing to do. I mean I didn’t do it for money, because let’s be clear there was none of that, and so I just feel like I’m in a whirlwind inside of my head. One day I’m great. The next day I’m not, and I just want to be even keeled and helpful, and loving.
Dr. A: Yeah. Well, I mean, you covered a lot there, and first of all, again, this forum is kind of discussing how we work, how our mind works. I’m not a psychotherapist and certainly if you’re really bothered to the point where you need to get some professional help, then get professional, but these are the insights that I would say, first of all, you know, you’re beating yourself up. You’re judging yourself. You’re doing a lot of the stuff that we been talking about all day, about needing approval. Yeah, you did it for multiple— why you did it doesn’t matter, what matters is that this is where you are now and how do you move forward? You’re right, you might have done it thinking you were here to save the day. You loved your mom. She needed the extra care, and bottom line, from there you did something. You didn’t really think it all the way through. It wasn’t a full body “yes,” and now you’re basically seeing the consequences, including everything from not being able to travel with your husband. You’re finally at a point where you could do that and so you are basically judging yourself and putting yourself in a position, being fully in the Drama Triangle. So this is the important part of moving into a conscious state, because from a conscious state all decisions become easier.
So what if the opposite was true? What if the opposite was that this time in your life, where rather than you did it, you were hero and you did it, what if actually this time period with your mom and I don’t know all the circumstances, but let’s just say these are the last few years of your mom’s life, and what if five years from now, because you decided to do this, that you recognize and look back when she, if she’s passed and you think, “Oh my goodness. This was an incredible time for me to be with the person that I’ve always admired and loved. To give back to her, and to nourish, and be with her, and I do it because we have an amazing relationship.” So what if that was true? Because see, you’re basically, right now, your ego is trying to protect you and it’s trying to say, “Oh, God. You did this.” “Yeah, you’re a hero, but what do I do now? Do I set her outside on the street corner?” I mean tongue and cheek, obviously not, but you have to look at it objectively. Reality is an acquired taste and in that reality you have to look and say, ”Okay, in this circumstance I was going to travel, do things. How can I still do both? How can I—even if we’re doing staycations.” Right? Because more and more young kids, because they don’t have the resources now because of inflation everything, they’re doing staycations and they’re having a ball.
So you’re the one that decides that you have enough, right? That you have approval. You have security, and you have control. You have control over this whole situation and rather than making it about you, and whether you’re a good person or a bad person, there’s no committee on celestial design that’s sitting there like in the gladiator, in the amphitheater, doing thumbs up or thumbs down. Okay? Your actions need to be decided because that’s what is important to you and when you take responsibility for that, you can look and say, okay. How do I work in the multiple parts that are affected by this. How do I provide the care that I want for my mom? But how do I also provide the same level of interaction and relational health with my husband? You know, going some— remember, it’s not outside of you going to, yeah, you might have wanted to go to Paris or to Italy or wherever, but those aren’t what build your happiness. Remember, understand that you’re enough. You’re enough right now. You basically have what’s required. You have the approval. Obviously your mom loves you. Your husband loves you. As far as security, you’ve changed the world, where now you’ve got more time with your mom. So if you relationally look at it, “Wow. I’m with my mom.” Getting to spend the time, because life moves on. Remember, there are ups and downs in life. You’re just like all of us.
[00:39:14] Every one of us is going to pass from this physical world to hopefully another state, but who knows, we don’t know— no one knows, right? We think we know but we hope we know, but right now, in this place every day, you make the decision that I am enough, and not only enough, I’m okay, and when these feelings come up you stop. You challenge them, and say, “You know what? I’m okay. I have what I need,” and start making the decisions based on how do I now— knowing that I’m okay— how do I, in each one of these environments not say, “Oh, beat yourself up,” and say, “Oh, I made a bad choice, I was a hero and now what do I do?” Because none of that matters. What matters is your own internal mind and your thoughts are not you. I can’t say this enough. Those thoughts are not you. They are your ego basically messing with you and trying to put you in position where you do certain things and make the world a certain way, and you have very little control over that. What you do have control over is how you go through your day, right?
Stacy: Yes.
Dr. A: Does that make sense? And I’m just watching your face change dramatically. When you first started talking I could see the suffering on your face and you’re beating yourself up for things— listen. It’s admirable that you want to basically— it’s admirable that the person that brought you into the world, that you want to be here to make sure their experiences, they leave this earth is a good one, and your relationship with her— and so when you start feeling that, just sense that, right now— you’re a perfect example. You’re a perfect example, Stacy, when I’m feeling that way ask myself, what do I lack? And all of a sudden you may think, okay, in this situation I lack control. I lack control because now I don’t have full control. So if it’s okay, that really, in the sense, that’s what I’m sensing and that’s okay, but it’s not real. You do have control. You have control. You have enough control. You have control over the things that matter and one of those is now you have control over one of the beautiful things, like you said, because you love your mom. You have control over that environment. Does that make sense?
Stacy: It does. It does. I think I just needed someone to tell me that because here I am, and listen, I’ve become. I have done really well through your books and that was my biggest problem, is all of a sudden, I’ve got this whole life event and I’m like back to the old stuff, you know? It’s like I moved the whole book out of the way. I’m like, I need, I wish I had a little button on my head that I could just go, “Hm, what am I lacking?” Because I don’t remember to do that. So, I’ve got to remember to do that for myself.
Dr. A: Yes. Watch this again. When I go through the approval, security, and control, go through it. Go through it and sense that, okay— because what the bottom line is, you’re not lacking. It’s the lacking that causes the fear, that causes the anxiety, that causes that dysfunction. It’s that lacking. It’s not that you don’t want those things. Of course we all [crosstalk 00:42:31]. It’s having control, it’s having security and it’s having approval. We want those things and that’s okay, but you have them. You really do have them. If you don’t think you have them then that lacking creates that fear-based mentality where you’ve got to go get it from something else. Like you’ve got to go on vacation or— you have those things!
Stacy: Yes. Right.
Dr. A: And just listen, don’t beat yourself up because you don’t remember, because all about that, but you know what? As I was talking to Jenny, remember, your body is a great laboratory that will tell you by its emotional feelings that there’s something going on. It’s your role to put on your lab coat, your goggles, and go figure out, okay. What’s happening right now, and right now I feel the lack of- and the reality is, it’s okay to feel that. I’m human and I’m feeling sorry for myself right now because I want to go to Paris and it’s okay, but it’s not okay to dwell on it, because you do have approval, you do have security, and you do have control. Make sense?
Stacy: Yes, sir.
Dr. A: Yeah, look at you smiling like that! That’s the 2.0, and by the way, remember, you’ve got all these years where you built— you’re the architect of your ego, your personal mind that created who you are, and bottom line is now, to fully become aware, to be present knowing, by the way, you don’t need to go anywhere to be who you are. You don’t need to have anything to have what you want. You already have those things because if you have those things, you don’t need to go anywhere else, and you have them. You have them all inside. We have inside of us a wholeness, a completeness, and we have to realize that when we realize that, that all of a sudden the struggling stops. Yes. Do I have to deal with my mom getting old, and she needs care, and I’m in the process of doing that? And you know what? I’m damn glad I did it, and you know what? I’m not going to beat myself up because there’s incredible joy that comes from that. Make sense?
Stacy: Yes. Very much.
Dr. A: Remember, framing and reframing is everything. You lack nothing. You lack nothing.
Stacy: Thank you.
Dr. A: Cool. You’re welcome.
Stacy: Thank you, and thank you, Chris. He upgraded me to 3.0 [Stacy’s name now says “3.0” on screen]. Love it.
Dr. A: That’s Chris! Chris made some bunk beds for his kids. He was so proud of it, and I was so getting ready for this that I didn’t even get a chance to see him yet and so I’m looking forward to seeing those, Chris, so send me a picture of those, but all right. Well, great talking to you Stac.
Stacy: Thank you. Thank you, Dr. A.
Rachel: All right, next up we have Jan.
Dr. A: Hi,i Jan!
Jan: Hi, Dr. A! Um, boy. First of all, I just want to say it was so wonderful to have you in Utah with the Momentum group last, in May, on the 18th, and for anybody who’s in New York and in St. Petersburg, he’s coming to your area, and if you can get there you will be so glad you did!
Dr. A: Love that. Love that.
Jan: Anyway, Dr. A, I was just gonna say what everyone’s been talking about today is so personal to me because this is somewhere where I’ve been journeying for a long time to undo myself as a hero, and learn how to be in my space, and how I look at life, and how I respond to life. So today you made a comment about a situation where someone does something nice for you or you do something nice for someone else and expect a response, that happened to me this morning. I just wanted to kind of say, I did something for my husband, and I like to have the laundry right side out when we do the laundry so that when it gets folded and put away, it’s the right way. He does the laundry, which is so awesome, but he’ll just fold it up inside out and he doesn’t care, which is great because I appreciate it, but I love to have stuff the right way, so I dumped the laundry.
I put everything right side out so that it could be washed right and then when he puts it away then it’s right, and he came in and saw all the nice piles and I was waiting for him to say, “Wow, thank you so much for doing that for me.” He didn’t say anything. He just went on with his day and I caught myself waiting for that little, you know, pat on the head or kiss on the cheek, and then I thought, you know, why did I do it in the first place? I did it because I love how it gets folded and put away the right way, and I did it for a nice reason, but I caught myself and I thought, I don’t need that. I don’t need that. I know he loves me. I know he appreciates me and I can go right on with my day and not get all bent out of shape over some little thing which used to cause me problems but I’ve learned to train myself, because of what I’ve learned along the way through this process of the of the habits of thinking, and with your tutoring and with everybody working together on this stuff. It makes a difference.
So I just wanted to share that and also, I wanted to say that my question for you is actually, I try to keep a pretty positive outlook always. I’m really loving the whole reframing idea. I’ve been working on that a lot. Just to keep whatever is going on, reframe it in a different way, so that I can process through it and not get caught, but I’ve also been kind of, once in a while when I’m in a situation where things aren’t going well and I’m like, well hey guys, let’s think about it this way. Could we look at it this way? Could we? And sometimes people are like, everything isn’t sunshine and rainbows, Jan. You know, it’s just not always like that and I’ve heard you even say, this isn’t Pollyanna right? And I happen to love that show. That’s my favorite show and I make my kids watch it every year, but anyway, I really think that positive outlook of, how can we look at— How can we play the glad game? So I want to know what is the difference between this internal stability and Pollyanna-ish stuff? Is there a difference or is it [crosstalk 00:48:53].
Dr. A: That’s a great question. First of all, I want to go back for a moment to your episode from this morning. So, what did you lack?
Jan: Um. Well, I really didn’t lack anything. I was looking for— I was looking…
Dr. A: No no no no no, you lacked. No. You actually did lack something. What did you lack?
Jan: Um, maybe I was just looking for reinforcement from him.
Dr. A: There’s only three. There’s only three answers. Approval, control, and security.
Jan: Approval.
Dr. A: Yeah. You lacked approval. Remember, those are the three primary, fundamental— like primary colors. There’s all kinds of iterations on it, but you lack approval, and also you lacked what?
Jan: Uh, of those three?
Dr. A: Yeah. there’s another one.
Jan: Control?
Dr. A: Control of your husband’s behavior! Right? That’s why you had that moment inside with a little girl in you, right? The little girl in you, basically seeking approval. Approval creates security, and if you don’t get approval then you at least want control . See those mechanisms, and the desire was that you wanted it done a certain way and so you did it because that’s what you wanted. You shouldn’t look outside of you for anything else. Make sense?
Jan: Yeah.
Dr. A: All right. So now let’s talk about Pollyanna. So again, there’s a difference between life and the events of life and how you respond to them. How you respond to them determines the outcome. So, really important. That’s the difference. It’s not that,
“Oh, you hit me in the face. God, how can I learn from that?” No, you hit me in the face, it hurts, but then I realize and think, okay, what are the things that happen there that basically I can now minimize it and in the case of— obviously, and that’s not a really good example. I’m using something extreme, but if someone shot you in the head, it’s not about you. It’s about them, and so for us to take it personal, and I know obviously, it’s very personal to get shot in the head, but bottom line is, it’s not about them. It’s how we respond to it, and so in general, one of the first mechanisms to use so we don’t go to our negative bias, because first of all, you’re a human being and what you had happen this morning is a normal response to how we are programed, our operating system. “I did something nice, I didn’t get approval for it.” Basically, I’ve asked him to do it this way and he doesn’t do it that way, right? So those are two things that are great examples, very small that you can correct, and here’s the thing, I needed approval there and I didn’t get it but I already have approval, right? My husband loves me.
[00:51:51] So the reality is, what we do is we label everything. We take everything that happens and we give it a label of how it should be. You know, in the 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership, one of the things they talk about is if you look at an umpire, three umpires, they’re basically talking about how they respond to doing their job. First one says, “I call balls and strikes,” because of where they are. The second one says, “I call them as I see them,” and the third one says, “I look at pitches and then I determine.” Right? So in other words, if it has to be a certain way or I see it a certain way, then I’m labeling it. I’m labeling what it should be and in this case, I’m labeling, there is a right way to fold the damn laundry and there’s a wrong way, and my husband, although he’s nice, he’s not doing it right. His intention by the way, is what you should be focusing on, which is he wants to do something to help you, okay? But for him, folding it is folding it, and what— we’re guys. We’re from, I don’t know, we’re from Mars, you’re from Venus. I don’t know. We think differently. We are different and how we do things is different, but in the real scheme of things, the things that we value, you have a husband that values his participation in the housework. It’s a major bonus. Right? Okay.
So in that rather than Pollyanna– Utopia is wanting the world to be a certain way the world will never be a certain way. Protopia is making the decision that, “I’m going to view the world from a way where I’m fully present and I’m going to interact with what’s important,” and what’s really important is something was done this morning in your house that wasn’t to your liking, the way you like it, so you can have a conversation and say, “Do you mind if I show you, so I don’t need to redo it?” Or just let it go. It’s just like years ago when my girls were growing up we had pets and Lori used to take care of the pets and Robert Fitz said to her something one time, she was all frustrated because the girls weren’t taking care of the pets, and Robert was very clear to her and said, “That’s because they’re not their pets. They’re your pets.” Right? That’s your laundry. You have a system that you use that makes you feel complete. You’ve done it way that is your preference, and by the way, the ultimate goal is not to have preferences.
Our preferences is what causes all of our suffering. All of our suffering is because of our preferences, right? And really, if we realize that we have the approval we need, we have the control that’s important, and we have the security that’s absolutely part of our lives that we need, then all of a sudden, most of the stuff we do, which we think we lack, that we’re trying to get, really becomes irrelevant. Right?
Jan: That’s true.
Dr. A: So, you know, when they write books like, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, that’s pretty small stuff, right? Yeah, and so even though you’d like it a certain way, that’s your preference, and that’s not your husband’s preference. So you have to decide. You know, what, “Hey, honey, there’s no need for you to do the laundry because I’m going to redo it anyway.” Great! That makes you help with your preference, great, but knowing that, don’t get frustrated about something, just like, I brought up the helicopter. I could have gotten frustrated by that or I could actually said, “Darn. I would love to be in that helicopter.” That’s not being Pollyanna. That’s actually changing and the easiest thing we can do, any time when we’re going to our negative bias, because we are programmed to have negative bias. Somebody says something positive, we repeat it three times. Somebody says something negative, we repeat it 33 times, because we are biased to protect ourselves. That’s what it is being a human. We are used to being at the effect of, and if we let all these things affect us and don’t take internal control— that’s what internal stability is about. It’s about taking— so in that circumstances, you can decide, if I’m being frustrated by this, what can I do? I can either say, “Okay, it’s because I like it done this way,” and then you can very kindly say, “Honey, I love the way you take out the garbage, but I’d rather do this myself,” and then that relieves— and you’re basically changing that dynamic if it— or you could say, “God, I love my husband,” and just go ahead and fold it the way you want to fold it. Makes sense?
Jan: For sure. Yeah, he’s a great one and he just— we figured out what works between us, how we can make the household flow better and he said, “I’ll do that, I don’t mind doing it.”
Dr. A: That’s a co-committed relationship. By the way, that’s the difference between a co-committed and a co-dependent relationship. One in which you are whole yourself and now— you don’t need— if you need someone to love you to feel love, then you have a co-dependent relationship. If you love yourself, and I don’t mean from a narcissistic way, but you’re just very content with yourself and you’re working— so just like the two ladies before, bottom line is, I want them to stop beating themselves up because they’re working on themselves and it’s a beautiful thing, and bottom line is, you are whole right now. Can you continue to strive? To upgrade your programming so you can strengthen the things that are important to you? That you value the most? Yes, but not trying to get the world outside of you— the whole job is an inside job.
Jan: Yeah. It’s awesome. Good stuff. Thanks so much Dr. A.
Dr. A: My pleasure. All right, Rach, we have someone else in the queue? We’re almost out of time, but I’ll do one last one if someone’s been waiting.
Rachel: Yes we do. We have Kathryn.
Dr. A: Great.
Rachel: Kathryn, can you come on camera? There you are.
Dr. A: Hi, Kathryn.
Kathryn: Hi, Dr. A. I’ll try to make this quick. You mentioned Viktor Frankl and years ago I ran across his quote that I love, that “we can be the victim of circumstances or the architect of change,” and that’s easier said than done. So my question is this, I hate the month of June and I need to reframe that. 2020 I remarried, June 5th, by my parents, we had hospital beds in their bedroom and then within 48 hours my dad passed away and then 6 weeks later my mom passed away, and then in between their two deaths my brand new husband was diagnosed with stage four cancer and he passed away five months later, and so June was hard, and I stayed the first year as a victim. You know, it would have been my wedding anniversary June 5th. June 7th marks my dad passing. It’s Father’s Day. Would have been my late husband’s birthday the end of the month, but I was just surprised, and disappointed in myself today with the flood of emotions. So my question is, in order to stay out of the victim role in the Drama Triangle, do I need to be working on rewiring neural pathways to suppress my subconscious or am I actually trying to strengthen my subconscious, but in a more positive way?
Dr. A: Okay. Great question. I’m sorry for your losses. It was coincidental that it was June. It doesn’t matter whether it was July, September, January, right? It brings back memories. Your flood of emotions is because you are a human being and you’re sensing loss that you had and you’re remembering them, and you’re basically, those are not things to suppress. You want to feel those feelings all the way through. You don’t suppress them. You don’t mess with them. You simply feel those feelings all the way through, and most probably, most of it, I can tell, and you’re actually, through transference, I’m actually sensing your grief. Okay. So I’m sensing that as well and I’m feeling emotional and I’m feeling sadness for you. All right? It’s okay. You’re a human. We’re supposed to feel. You’re not supposed to suppress those. You’re not supposed to repress them. Actually, part of the healing process, and part of where you’re going as you become conscious and you work on yourself is basically, fully feeling them all the way through.
That’s what a conscious individual— you’re being conscious that you’re sad today and it’s not something, “Oh, I shouldn’t be sad.” It’s like— this is going to what I was referring to when Jan was talking about Pollyanna. No, Pollyanna is, “Oh, everything’s perfect. My three most important people in my life died. Okay, I’m sad at the moment. I’m remembering them. I remember how much I love them and I’m sad.” Okay? You follow that through. You feel it all the way through and in about 90 seconds it’s gone. You felt it all the way through and then you go on with your life and then you focus on the things you want to create. The things you want to be. The things that are important to you, but you do not repress or suppress those, and if they trigger other things, let those come up too, and they’re going to hurt. They were painful when they happened. They’re going to be painful when they’re triggered, but the whole idea is through this, to start releasing those things. You have no control over your subconscious, by the way. You have no control to change your subconscious.
You simply become aware of things that are being triggered from your personal mind, from your ego, from your experiences of life, and you let them come up and you let them go. You let them move through, and yeah, because it happened in that timely fashion, it’s normal— being a human— that you’re sad. So feel that. Go through that. Have those moments. Listen, I lost my wife six years ago and 99% in my time I am in pure joy, but when something comes up, like I was with my girls for my younger daughter’s birthday, we had some things, and we were sad, and then we laughed about it, on one of the behaviors that Lori had, and so we bonded with it and we didn’t repress. We didn’t say, “Oh, we can’t talk about that.” “Oh, we can’t be sad about that.” No. It was sad, and then the joy came because I had 20 plus years with her, does that make sense?
Kathryn: Yes. It does.
Dr. A: And just look at you smiling. I just— see, no. You have complete control over these things, Kathryn, and by letting it be, you’re a human being. We’re going to go below the line. We’re going to feel like a victim sometimes. It’s that we recognize it and we follow it all way through. That’s why when you desire something, when you feel a lack of something, sense what is it do I lack? Be in that space with yourself and say— just like Jan. Jan has been working on this for a long time and she is a highly conscious individual, and this morning she had an issue with her husband. Not a big issue. A little thing, but once she recognizes it was an approval and it was a control issue, then we can laugh at ourselves and say, “Yep. That’s silly me. I prefer to have it done this way and I’m now projecting. If I don’t recognize it and let it come all the way through then I project it and I create dysfunction in my relationship. When I recognize it, it doesn’t spit.” It’s like watering a duck’s back and it makes no difference in Jan’s relationship. Just like you had significant life events. Pain is not optional. Pain happens in our life. We’re all born. We all die, and in between a lot of stuff happens, and life is intrinsically unstable. It’s how we respond to it that determines the outcome.
[01:03:4] So the beauty of it is as you feel those feelings and they come, release those things. Fully feel them all the way through and recognize that’s okay. You’re feeling your feelings. You’re being integrous of something that was very, very sad to you and you’re remembering it and that’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with that, and that’s not your subconscious. That’s actually a real life event. Make sense?
Kathryn: Yes it does. Thank you so much.
Dr. A: Look at you smiling like that. Just know you are the Dominant Force in your life. So, thank you so much. Really appreciate it, Kathryn, and for all of you, thanks for joining us. Please share this. This is designed for anybody that wants to literally work on becoming the dominant force and actually being able to thrive at a crazy time in the outside world. Let’s build calm and decrease chaos on the inside. God bless you guys. Bye.
